Who does this? Who volunteers to cut their hot senior Anatomy TA’s hair when one is a slutty freshman without even a shred of a Supercuts resume. Me.
It was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up. When he sauntered over to my lab table and asked if anyone knew how to cut hair, I felt my hand immediately rising into the air before giving it a second thought.
Sure enough I was over at his fancy upper-classmen apartment at 7:30pm cutting his hair in the bathroom. After a grueling two-hour haircut with a 15 year old trimmer set called “the Peanut” he presented to me in a fluorescent orange pencil box, I was finally satisfied with my “work of art.” Then we started drinking. I stumbled home to my dorm after several hours of drinking games only to get a call at 4:30am from the same T.A. Better late than never right? I walked my ass right back over there.
This time I got a glimpse of the bedroom, which had a disturbing large painting of two chocolate cialis labs over the bed. For some reason, the light to the bedroom was on the other side of the room. I was sitting on his bed when he turned out the light and lunged at me like Wolverine from the X-Men and had me in my birthday suit in mere seconds. I insisted that we not have sex, in fact I had to plead that we not have sex because I was a virgin. I paid dearly for this hookup stipulation.
He made a naked trip to the bathroom and returned with some fruity Bath and Body Works lotion. He proceeded to straddle me in a genuflection posture (yeah, I’m Catholic) while jerking off over me. He likely had his eyes closed b/c if he could have seen the look of horror on my face he would have immediately lost his hard-on. Please keep in mind – I was drunk, young, and he was my TA – and for the record the hottest guy I have ever hooked up with. Paralyzed in awkwardness, I allowed myself to be titty-fucked. The next morning was the crowning glory when gathering my clothes to go home, he said “Alright, take care. See you Tuesdays at 1 o’clock.” (my lab time)
I got an A in anatomy that semester.
-McCormick
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In college, I dated the same guy all four years. One summer we went to visit his parents in Beverly Hills and I stayed in the guest house. One night, Ben and I had gone out and when we came home, we said hello to his father and uncle who were still up watching boxing in the living room. Ben sent me to bed because Italian men think that women can’t possibly appreciate boxing, cigars or staying up late. He whispered that he would climb into bed with me later. I fell asleep quickly because I was exhausted however, I started to have a really vivid nightmare. Unfortunately, the scariest part of this dream was the same time that Ben was trying to climb into bed with me very quietly. But when I woke up, there was this man standing over me. I screamed bloody murder and woke up the entire house. The dogs were barking and his father, a former NFL football player ran into the room wearing blue, tighty whities.
I was mortified and Ben had no explanation.
-Kristin
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I was only a couple months out of a serious, long-term relationship which had ended well, but left me wondering what else was out there. I quickly found out that apparently a lot of people must have been waiting for my girlfriend and I to split ways, because everybody and their mom was trying to get with me! I was always a pretty outgoing, nice guy who did ok with women, but never really had to beat them off with a stick or anything, ya know? I didn’t understand it at all, but I didn’t complain! I guess I must have been sending off some crazy kind of sex vibe or something, ’cause I seriously got mo’ lovin’ in those 3 months after my break-up than I had my entire life (in fact, I more than tripled the amount of women I had previously made sweet, sweet love to during that time). So, it was all good to say the least. I pretty much have like 3 or 4 crazy hook-up stories during this period (one which included “random runnergirl sex on the bike path”, and another that included hooking up wih a girl at work), but I decided to share the craziest of them all:
My buddy and I pre-drank at my apartment on a Friday before heading to the bar to meet up with some of his friends from school. I eventually left my apartment 4 or 5 beers deep (medium buzzed for me) and we headed for the bar. We arrived at 11:00 or so, and as soon as I get in the door, my buddy and his friends make me do 4 shots (you know, to get things kicked off right). Then I precede to drink what I can remember as somewhere between 8 to 10 drinks that night at the bar.
After about a hour of bullshitting with my buddy, his buddies, and meeting everyone, I locked eyes with what I can only describe as one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen in my life (in retrospect, she was probably just kind of cute, but I had severe beer goggles on at the time). She had on this really sexy, pretty loose skirt with a matching blouse. She was just the right amount of curvy, in-shape as well, and looked like Natalie Portman (my dream girl) in the face (at least at the time haha). We begun talking, and quickly begun to realize we had an incredible amount in common. I was monumentally attracted to her, and I could tell she liked me too. We probably talked from 12:00 until 1:30 or so when the bar had just called last call. We had consumed a lot of alcohol during this period, and I actually had to pee like you wouldn’t believe, but I held it in, because I didn’t want to stop talking to this angel of a girl.
I was super excited, because all the girls I had hooked up with after my break-up (until now) were just one-night-stands, and I was thinking this girl could be my future baby’s momma, ya feel me? Ok, so eventually the bar was closing, and I told her that I really had to use the bathroom, but I would be right back (I wanted to make sure I got her number). The bar we were at is in a certain very popular neighborhood where a very popular baseball team plays, and right by a certain Brown-line stop, so the line for the bathrooms was crazy long. Since I had been holding my bladder for about an hour and a half (up until the point where I was going to pee my jeans), I really couldn’t wait in a crazy, long line for the bathroom. I had to pee, and I had to pee now! So, I saw that there was an exit door on the side of the building (which said “do not enter,” because it was a loading zone that went out into the side alley). I burst through the doors, looked around, positioned myself in a corner of a brick wall and a dumpster, and finally started to relieve myself.
Back in the bar, I guess my ladyfriend saw me leave out of the side exit, and thought I was leaving the bar for good. Since she also definitely wanted to see me at least one more time (probably also to get my number), she followed me shortly out the side door. She must have been hammered and ready to get it on, because she came up to me, put her arms around my waist, and starting to lovingly caress me (from the back). Meanwhile, from my point of view, I was very shocked to say the least when I felt someone holding me from the back, especially because I was still relieving myself when she was doing this (with my pants down of course). Being a martial artist, my instinct was to grab this person’s (I didn’t know it was her at first) hand, twist it, and throw this person to protect myself. I began to grab her hand, and I immediately remembered it felt just my ladyfriend’s hand from inside the bar (we had touched hands a few times during an intense flirting session inside), so I turned around (after finishing relieving myself and still with my pants down), and to my great suprise, saw my beautiful ladyfriend.
She threw herself on me, and we instantly began to make out hardcore. I turned us around (with her in my arms and her legs wrapped around mine), lifted up her skirt, removed her thong, and we were doing it up against the corner of the brick wall and the dumpster. I couldn’t believe this was happening, but it was so animalistic, it was incredible! We were getting it on for probably 5 to 10 minutes when I hear a siren from the entrance of the alley (to the North), and then realized for whatever reason the police had seen us doing it in the alley, and were probably going to come after (and possibly arrest) us. The alley, thank goodness, was too narrow for the police car to fit through, so that bought us some time. I dropped her, and we both ran, me attempting to hold my undone pants up, and her pulling her skirt down. We ran out the opposite entrance of the alley (to the South), and then across the street. There were tons of people on the street (because this was right at the time when bars were closing), so we were quite a spectacle. Eventually she and I split up so the police would have a harder time catching us. I am a marathon runner, so I ran like the wind to a bar about a half mile away as fast I could, fixed myself up, called my buddy who had invited me, and had him come pick me up. I didn’t have her number at the time, so I couldn’t call to see if she was alright. My buddy also didn’t have her number at the time, so we looked for her and his other friends from earlier, but couldn’t find them. Eventually, to make sure I was safe from the police, I called it a night and went home.
When waking up (hungover as shit), I couldn’t believe what had happened the previous night. I initially thought it was a dream, but realized it had actually happened when my ladyfriend from the previous called me. We talked about how much fun and how crazy the previous night had been. It was clear we both still really like each other. We ended up dating for a week, until she had to be relocated for business in California. I don’t talk to her that often anymore, but we are still friends. Of course, it’s too bad she had to move, but at least I was left with a great story to tell!
-Steve
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Once upon a time, Valentine’s Day fell on a Thursday night and it was also our roommate’s birthday. We hosted a kegger not realizing that most of our friends had quizzes and tests the next day. Unable to finish the two kegs we ordered for the party, two friends set out to spread the word that there would be after hours at the Abode. One interested party ended up coming. He was nice, cute, conservatively dressed and at one point played soccer with one of our very good guy friends. Strangely, he was only drinking water. As the evening progressed and the keg emptied, it looked as though this young gentleman would be staying the night. With me. Things were very PG-rated in my 5×8 bedroom and twin bed. We talked about our hopes and dreams yadda yadda in a sober fashion. I think we even fell asleep to cartoons with our clothes on. At some point in the middle of the night, I woke up to find myself alone in the bed and my bedroom door open, with the 4000 wt industrial strength lighting from the living room pouring in through my door. My guest’s shoes were still on the floor, so I assumed he was still around. I left my bedroom and walked into the living room. On my way, I found a perfectly shimmied down and stepped-out-of pair of jeans and boxers on the floor. My guest was standing dining room facing the corner of the wall wearing only a J Crew forest green sweater and black dress socks. I called his name and asked him if he was ok. No answer or acknowledgement of my presence. I asked him if he needed some water, Ibuprofen, or a grilled cheese. No answer or acknowledgement of my presence. He then proceeded to sit his naked ass down on one of our nice dining room chairs. I was afraid he would mistake it for a toilet. After a few more unanswered questions, I began to get really concerned and I rushed to my roommate’s room. I tried to illicit my roommate’s boyfriend’s assistance in dealing with this questionable visitor but as soon as I told him he had no pants on he refused to help me. I returned to this disturbing scene to find the visitor now on all fours crawling from the dining room over to the notorious “VIP lounge.” I followed behind him again, trying to ask him what was going on and if he needed any help. He continued crawling in a trance-like fashion until he came up to my roommates blue velour embroidered butterfly chair into which he began to vomit. While he was puking I rolled up our very important faux fur rug and moved it aside. When he was done barfing I gently guided him to pass out on the mattress in the VIP lounge. Water was administered and a garbage can and towel set nearby.
I was now very concerned about the butterfly chair and brought it down to the basement utility sink. As I rinsed the vomit from the velour, I tossed my own cookies into the lint-filled garbage can next to the sink. I returned to our apartment and slept on the couch because I was worried what might happen to the severely ill pants-less puker. The next morning I made it to my 9am class and upon returning to my apt for lunch I saw him walk out our front door from a block away. As soon as I walked in the door I was quizzed by my roommates about what happened and who was he and I had no answers to provide. I found out that one of my roommates said she tried to comfort him and make him feel better by talking to him in the VIP lounge while she petted his head with our kitchen spatula. He was never seen or heard from again. We are pretty sure he was a super senior.
-Abode
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My story begins with the classic header of most dating disaster stories; I was at a bar. I went to this bar to just kick back and have a few. Hooking up was the farthest thing from my mind. It was one of those slack-jawed googley-eyed old man bars. Like I said, hooking up was not the night’s agenda. A few [too many] drinks into the night, a young guy stood out of the crowd of old men. He had crazy curly hair, a skinny twig-like body, and no fashion sense. I don’t know why I had to go meet him, but that’s what I did. Shortly after slurring out my name and asking his we ended up in my car heading to my place. He’ll do, I thought. When we got to my bedroom I started right away.
Generous me, I went straight to the point with a blow job. A short few seconds into it he wasn’t hard. Ugh! I slithered up and straddled him. “Fuck me” I whispered to him. With this sorry looking face he tells me he can’t. What?!? “What do you mean you can’t?” He giggled in a way that made me want to just tell him he’s excused and said that he had whisky dick. Come on! He assures me satisfaction as he spreads me open and goes down on me. It felt like I was masturbating with my pinky! I didn’t stop him right away but soon I knew that it wasn’t going to get good. “It’s cool, man. I’m ready for bed anyway.” So the night ended there, but the experience isn’t over.
I woke up the next morning and the guy wasn’t in the bed. Hmmm… I saw him poking around in the fridge. He pulls out a bottle of champagne and tries prying it open! “That’s not for you, man!” I scream as I tear the bottle out of your hands. Who does this guy think he is? Ewww. Right away I took him back where I found him.
-Mama D
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I had been seeing this girl for a week or two but due to our living conditions we were unable to have any real alone time and therefore had not really gotten as far as either of us had wanted. So when her parents went on vacation she invited me to stay the night at their house. In an effort to be respectful of the parents we decided that it would not be the best idea to fool around on their bed so into the girl’s room we went. While not a huge room I was a bit surprised to see that the bed we were headed towards was defiantly a bunk bed that had a bunch of random items taking the place of where the bottom bed use to be, ok then, up the ladder it was.
Clothing disappeared and she stated that while she wanted to get me off with her hand. No complaints from me however this action took a bit of time which, in turn, made her arm quite tired. In an effort to get more comfortable she proceeded to lay her head down on my stomach which in turn the extra pressure hurried things up. Telling her that I was quite close she sped up her actions without moving her head from my stomach. This proved to be a bad idea. When I went off it shot straight up her nose and in shock she turned her face down into my stomach. Again, bad idea. The next spasm flew across her face and in her ear. As you can imagine this caused her defenses to fly into overdrive telling her that she needed to escape this situation. That’s when she proceeded to roll right off the top bunk bed, six feet down, thud, and completed a hobbled dash to the washroom.
Unknowing about what had just happened I followed down and found her kneeling over the toilet, dry heaving, with a q-tip in each hand working on her ear and nose at the same time. After I asked and in between heaves she proceed to tell me where exactly my special men were currently residing. While not happy with me that I laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation, I made it up to her shortly thereafter. We didn’t see much of each other after that day, probably for the best. If it continued on in such fashion one of us would have been seriously injured the next time we fooled around.
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I’d recently left a very unhappy marriage in which I’d felt totally suffocated for far too long. Let’s just say I was ready to let my hair down and have some fun! I’d secretly always had a thing for black men, so when a girlfriend said she wanted to introduce me to a colleague of hers, I jumped at the chance. He was a doctor too, which made the whole thing seem so much hotter! We met, had a fun night and things progressed… One of my favorite moments was when I’d make him put on his lab coat and stethoscope and we’d do a little role play. HOT! Unfortunately, that’s as hot as it got! He didn’t seem to like foreplay all that much, so doing my due diligence I thought I’d try and introduce a little lubricant. The alarm bells should have totally gone off when he looked at it like I’d handed him a grenade and asked what he should do with it. Yes ladies, a grown man, a physician at that, had no idea what to do with lube and how much to use. He even asked me (out aloud) how much he was supposed to apply and where!!! The best part, I’d have to say, was when we were having a little fun one day – doggy style. Now for whatever reason, the “doctor that couldn’t” was always so soft and slow during these “fun times” and I guess just trying to be sensual. And while that’s all well and good here and there, we all know that sometimes we just like to be f*#ed! Right ladies? So…very quickly hitting my frustration point, I decided to take a leap and ask him to F#*K me harder…. His response?… “I am…….!” I knew then and there, that it was never going to work. And breaking up with this one was a challenge; he just didn’t ever seem to get it! Oh, and I won’t even begin to tell you about the night he sat outside my apartment building for probably over an hour, begging – calling, texting, voicemails etc – for me to let him come up. I guess it’s a good thing I have a doorman!
-Ada
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I broke up with my live-in boyfriend and afterward, I went a little crazy, making up for lost time. I quickly started “dating” a fireman who was absolutely delicious and one night I visited him at the fire station while he was working. Everyone was sleeping but Juan and I snuck off to the firetrucks where we didn’t waste anytime getting busy. We finished and I immediately put back on my jeans and grabbed by jacket. The alarm went off and I bolted for the door. Luckily, I avoided a Samatha on Sex and the City moment by like thirty seconds max. I stopped seeing Juan because he was not the brightest crayon in the box and I was pretty certain that he was spoken for. Shortly after, he was on the hottest firefighter calendar.
-Emily
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Over the summer my friend Cathy and I were talking about how I’ve been single for a while, I hadn’t really found anybody who couldn’t handle not ditching me at a party or disappearing for a 3 weeks or ruining my kitchen with fried food, various issues I’d been having with all sorts of male suitors. She and I were talking over Mexican food one night, and we decided she should hook me up with a friend of her fiance, his only friend. She said he’s a nice guy but has a lot of trouble with girls, and since I always enjoy emotional difficulties I was intrigued. But then she said he’s never had a girlfriend, and that’s a lot of responsibility to put on me. I don’t know if I want to be that lady. Still basically at this point in the summer I was thinking I was going to be an old maid living with 10 zillion cats and stacks of newspapers, they’ll find me crushed under last Sunday’s tribune with a cat eating my toe, I don’t want this to be what my life turns into. So I told her I’d go on this blind date with this boy whose never had a girlfriend before, maybe he’s just too good and that’s why nobody’s ever wanted to be with him, and we’ll fall in love.
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I went to EIU for a weekend to visit cousins and party it up. There was a definite upside and downside to the weekend. The upside – obtaining my golden fake ID I would use for the next three years. The downside – sleeping in a 4×6 empty bedroom on a mattress sitting on the floor with a strange man (also a visitor) I most likely hooked up (whoops blackout) with only to wake up soaked in his urine wearing my roommates favorite sweatpants she did not allow me to take on the trip. I found out the second night of this weekend trip this same notorious pisser pissed himself again at the hosting household and left his pee pee pants in the upstairs bathroom and proceeded to clothe himself in one of roommates pink bathrobes and pass out on her bedroom floor.
-BMF
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