Once upon a time, Valentine’s Day fell on a Thursday night and it was also our roommate’s birthday. We hosted a kegger not realizing that most of our friends had quizzes and tests the next day. Unable to finish the two kegs we ordered for the party, two friends set out to spread the word that there would be after hours at the Abode. One interested party ended up coming. He was nice, cute, conservatively dressed and at one point played soccer with one of our very good guy friends. Strangely, he was only drinking water. As the evening progressed and the keg emptied, it looked as though this young gentleman would be staying the night. With me. Things were very PG-rated in my 5×8 bedroom and twin bed. We talked about our hopes and dreams yadda yadda in a sober fashion. I think we even fell asleep to cartoons with our clothes on. At some point in the middle of the night, I woke up to find myself alone in the bed and my bedroom door open, with the 4000 wt industrial strength lighting from the living room pouring in through my door. My guest’s shoes were still on the floor, so I assumed he was still around. I left my bedroom and walked into the living room. On my way, I found a perfectly shimmied down and stepped-out-of pair of jeans and boxers on the floor. My guest was standing dining room facing the corner of the wall wearing only a J Crew forest green sweater and black dress socks. I called his name and asked him if he was ok. No answer or acknowledgement of my presence. I asked him if he needed some water, Ibuprofen, or a grilled cheese. No answer or acknowledgement of my presence. He then proceeded to sit his naked ass down on one of our nice dining room chairs. I was afraid he would mistake it for a toilet. After a few more unanswered questions, I began to get really concerned and I rushed to my roommate’s room. I tried to illicit my roommate’s boyfriend’s assistance in dealing with this questionable visitor but as soon as I told him he had no pants on he refused to help me. I returned to this disturbing scene to find the visitor now on all fours crawling from the dining room over to the notorious “VIP lounge.” I followed behind him again, trying to ask him what was going on and if he needed any help. He continued crawling in a trance-like fashion until he came up to my roommates blue velour embroidered butterfly chair into which he began to vomit. While he was puking I rolled up our very important faux fur rug and moved it aside. When he was done barfing I gently guided him to pass out on the mattress in the VIP lounge. Water was administered and a garbage can and towel set nearby.

I was now very concerned about the butterfly chair and brought it down to the basement utility sink. As I rinsed the vomit from the velour, I tossed my own cookies into the lint-filled garbage can next to the sink. I returned to our apartment and slept on the couch because I was worried what might happen to the severely ill pants-less puker. The next morning I made it to my 9am class and upon returning to my apt for lunch I saw him walk out our front door from a block away. As soon as I walked in the door I was quizzed by my roommates about what happened and who was he and I had no answers to provide. I found out that one of my roommates said she tried to comfort him and make him feel better by talking to him in the VIP lounge while she petted his head with our kitchen spatula. He was never seen or heard from again. We are pretty sure he was a super senior.

-Abode