| | When you lean in, you just never know what liplock you are going to get. It’s the first physical test of every potentially budding relationship – and it can either seal the deal or send you packing faster than Dubyah out of Capitol Hill.
Biter Usually involving aggressive biting of the lower lip. If vast inexperience is a factor, this could accidentally extend to the upper lip or tongue. When done properly and in moderation, this can ramp up the makeout into the foreplay zone. When done incorrectly, you can be put out of makeout commission until your pout has healed.
Coital Kisser This is an interesting one. As your lips lock and tongues become intertwined, this particular culprit will take it upon him/herself to repeatedly slide his/her tongue in and out of your mouth in a similar and repetitive fashion. It will suddenly dawn on you that his/her tongue just may actually be simulating intercourse with your mouth. If this pattern continues, you can quickly move from hypothesis to fact.
Dental Exam Teeth don’t generally get involved in the makeout process, except a seductive nibble or two. Some aspiring dental hygienists and orthodontists may see otherwise, by molesting your molar or breaching your bicuspid. If you haven’t slept together yet, this is what we call a deal breaker or red flag.
Drooler This creature is actually more prevalent then you’d think. Quite simply, saliva glands are overstimulated to the point of your partner’s saliva being spread liberally across your face. If you EVER have to wipe your face during a makeout, then you have fallen victim to a drooler. If there is a lot of drinking involved, get out your raincoat or run for the hills.
Eater This kisser, quite literally, seems to be eating your face. His/her mouth is so large, it has completely overtaken yours, leaving your paralyzed pout powerless. Obviously he/she hasn’t garnered the skills of the Interpreter yet. Run. Run quickly.
Ear Sucker A little ear nibble or lick coupled with a gentle exhale can be sexy, but an internal auditory exam is not! Tongues are never to enter the ear canal. Never! If you use your mouth as a tool to suck on the ear canal, you fall prey to a strange fetish and put your partner at risk. Didn’t you hear about the Chinese guy who almost sucked his girlfriend’s eardrum out? Don’t get that freaky.
Face Smasher This breed of kisser may be so overcome with passion that he/she can’t get enough of you. While it’s somewhat flattering and all, needing to flex your neck muscles and lean forward to keep an even keel, falls outside of the sexy category. Be sure to keep the connection at the lip level!
Face Stroker During a slow, passionate kiss, your tonsil hockey teammate may caress fingers up and down your cheeks, or hold your face in his/her hands.
Groaner Congratulations, you must be doing a good job if you have a groaner on your hands! It is a surefire sign that first base will be passed shortly. BUT – if done too much, right off the bat, you can distract from the main activity at hand. However, if groaning makeouts are your thing, then you just keep on moving to home base. But be sure to grab a pillow or ball gag if you have roommates.
Hair Puller As your smack session gets steamier, the hair puller may come out of the closet. Actual technique may vary from a gentle tug or a hard yank. If you have developed a relationship, then this can serve as a sexual cue to your significant other. Not a technique to try on a first date – but potentially HOT thereafter! Just check that your partner in crime is into that first…
Head Flipper During a kiss, you may find your neck getting sore, or feel a need to switch it up. This is all well and good, just don’t go overboard. If you find you’re moving around as much as your lips are locking, then you are, in fact, a head flipper.
Head Grabber No, not that head! Get your mind out of the gutter! If you feel your cranium being palmed and held in place, you have yourself a head grabber. This can be incredibly sexy if your partner has the skills to back it up.
Interpreter This gifted lip specialist knows how to look into your kissing crystal ball. If you pull back, he/she responds accordingly, if you jack up the intensity, he/she knows how to push your buttons to keep it all going. This isn’t that hard to learn, you just need to focus on your partner’s responsiveness and not just your next move.
Licker The strange technique of licking the face or lips during a snog. Those with a strange fetish might even go so far as to incorporate the chin. When done correctly on the neck, this can be a successful move, but licking should have no part in a kiss!
Pacemaker This technique is the equivalent of a kissing metronome. Kisses are administered with equal part time spaces between each smooch. This is the fastest way to default your kissing mortgage. No one wants a plan, or predictability, when it comes to the two-tongued tango.
Pecker Ah, this poor breed didn’t observe the “perfect movie kiss” very well. Tight-lipped pecks are exhaustive of their technique. You may get whiplash from their incessant head thrusting. Be warned!
Sleeper If you feel your partner’s lips go slack, tongue become still and head go limp, you may be kissing a sleeper. If there is extensive alcohol included this may be forgivable. Otherwise, you are involved with a narcoleptic OR *gasp* you are a very boring snog. Sometimes the truth hurts.
Soft Lips Ah, where have you been all my life! Soft sweet lips will always win you a gold cup in the kissing Olympics. A crucial part of any award-winning smack session.
Stomach Taster Gene Simmons- like tongue insertion, is in no way acceptable during a makeout (note: this does not apply to other activities). If you wanted to know what we had for dinner just ask. Don’t try to steal leftovers by invading the trachea.
Suffocater We all love a kiss that leaves you breathless – but not to the point that you are gasping for air. Be sure to allow for a quick break or a moment here and there to replenish oxygen to the blood. Otherwise your makeout session will turn into CPR. Not so much fun…
Tornado Your partner’s tongue moves circular motion around yours repeatedly, leaving your tongue paralyzed and terrified in the middle. Oh, when will it stop? Sometimes your kissing compadre can mistake the tornado for passion, hence your tongue might be stuck in the lurch for awhile. But don’t get me wrong, the tornado has its place in moderation. Of course this technique can be used with unabashed excess in – ahem – other areas.
Two Left Feet This poor guy or gal just can’t get it right. Teeth bumping, bad aim when leaning in, no original technique, nose bumping – they are all over the place. Take pity on the poor soul and gently show them the ropes. Pay it forward people.
Watcher Did you ever get that feeling that someone was watching you? Peekaboo! They are. This kisser likes to watch. But what exactly are they looking for? Is kissing not meant to be a sensory, rather than visual experience? A little close up eye contact can be super hot, but too much can be awkward and/or creepy.
Wire Mouth The biggest kiss faux pas – tight lips! No matter your lip size, you always have the option to relax those mouth muscles or tense them up tighter than Hillary Clinton on her 100th kegel. For God’s sakes, let ‘em loose! If we wanted bruises from kissing cemented chops, we would ask.
Thoughts you’d like to share? Another kissing style to add to the list?
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